We're doing it again. We're adding another member to our family. I am 23 weeks along with our 5th child and 4th BOY! For multiple, yet unscientific reasons, we had assumed that this sweet baby was going to be a girl. Family members and neighbors had told me they'd had dreams that such was the case. I simply assumed that the Lord would know that one little Sawyer was enough boy all on his own. For example, a few weeks ago he broke his arm...AGAIN...while playing ninjas with Cameron.
No one was more convinced that the baby would be another girl than our little Addy. She'd been telling people for months before we were even pregnant that she was getting a baby sister. I just figured she knew something that I didn't. She was looking forward to sharing all of her girly things with someone who would appreciate them. Boys just don't have the same enthusiasm for dolls and hair accessories that girls do. She was so looking forward to finally having a sister. Anyway, we recorded our kids' reactions to our news, and poor Addy took it hardest of all. This is the You Tube link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHN8CqhxTmQ&feature=share
Craig and I were surprised by the news but not disappointed. We are just happy that the baby looks healthy and that the pregnancy is going well. Early on, we'd had quite a scare. Prior to our reassuring news, I had just experienced possibly the most stressful two months of my life. Let me set the stage for you.
It started in late November. I got to take a quick trip to visit my sister, Jeanette in Connecticut to surprise her for her birthday. While that trip was sweet and unforgettable, it is always a little stressful leaving your little ones in the care of others for even a short length of time. That was the first time I'd ever left all my kids for a total of 5 days.
My stress increased upon my return when I only got to see Craig in passing at the airport as he was on his way to a business trip to Canada. After Canada, he got to be home for a week before heading to India for two weeks. Luckily, he would be home for Christmas, but even that good news was tainted by the fact that I knew I had to anticipate him leaving again in January for a trip to South Africa for another two and a half weeks.
During the time that he would be home in between business trips, I knew I would be stressing out over getting things ready for and entertaining houseguests the week after Christmas as most of Craig's family would be coming into town to celebrate Cameron's baptism with us. Even though having family in town is always great, I was feeling the pressure of accommodating and feeding up to 30 people at mealtimes when I was feeling overwhelmed and tired just trying to feed myself and my own little family.
All this time, I was dealing with the typical first trimester pregnancy symptoms of nausea and fatigue. It is hard being a single parent of four little kids at any time, but it is especially hard to be a single parent while sick and pregnant. For example, while Craig was in Canada, there was one night when Addy got really sick. I got absolutely no sleep because I was up with her while she was throwing up and having diarrhea all night long. It was miserable. And I had no backup. No one was there to help me out when the whole day's routine started all over again when my other kids woke up the next morning. Not every day is that bad when my husband travels, but even the best days are exhausting without him.
The cherry on top was a mistake I made while Craig was still in India. I offered to have my sister-in-law fly me and my two youngest babies to Washington so I could watch her kids while she was on a cruise in January when Craig was planning to be in South Africa. Before I confirmed my pending arrangements for my two oldest boys while I would be gone, she booked my flights. It turned out, I didn't have a place for my boys worked out like I thought I had, and I had to back out after offering, leaving me with a debt for non-refundable airline tickets in the amount of $800 that I couldn't afford. I cried and cried and cried over that fiasco. It cost me more than one night's sleep with worry and regret.
A few days after the airline ticket disaster, I was up late one night with heartburn. Since the heartburn was bad enough to keep me awake, I decided to fold laundry and watch t.v. until it went away. It was around 1:00 in the morning on December 17, and Craig wasn't due back from India for another 4 days. As I was folding laundry, I suddenly felt a gush of blood. I had been spotting for weeks, and I attributed it to the stress I'd been feeling, but it had been so light that I wasn't too worried. Suddenly, I was certain I was miscarrying, and I was crushed and scared.
I'd never had a miscarriage before. I was exactly 11 weeks along, and I had been looking forward to feeling better within the week, as my morning sickness usually only lasts until the 12th week of pregnancy. I called Craig and told him what was happening. It was daytime in India since there is a 12 hour time difference between here and there. We were both heartsick. I cried all night long. Once a woman knows she's pregnant, it consumes her daily thoughts. I truly mourned the loss of the pregnancy. Ironically, I felt a sense of peace amidst the tears that whatever was happening was meant to be.
I had already set up my first prenatal visit for that afternoon. I had been getting anxious to hear a heartbeat since I first started spotting. Now, I was going to the appointment with the expectation that the baby was already lost and to see if a D and C would be needed. I was able to receive comfort from both my mother and mother-in-law. Both of them had experienced miscarriages and gave me a lot of support and comfort during those first hours. My mom accompanied me to my doctor visit. I could hardly tell the midwife what was going on without tears coming to my eyes. She had me lay on the table to see if she could hear a heartbeat. She found nothing. I felt my fears were confirmed. Unfortunately, without an ultrasound, it was impossible to see exactly what had gone wrong, and their office didn't have one. So they scheduled an ultrasound for me at the hospital for a few hours later.
Even though I didn't want to get my hopes up, and I certainly had no reason to believe I was experiencing anything but a miscarriage, I kept replaying a dream in my mind that I'd had a few days earlier. In the dream, I was transporting a little fish or tadpole from one place to another. It needed water and had been out of water for a long period of time. When I finally got to where I was going, I put the fish in a cup of water, and it started to float to the top as if dead. But for some odd reason, in the dream, I had this thought that after a little time in the water, that fish would perk up and bounce back. That simple thought, "maybe it can still bounce back, maybe it isn't dead afterall" kept pervading my thoughts as we entered the hospital for the ultrasound. Finally, I found myself on the table and the technician with an ultrasound machine to my belly. The first thing she said to me was, "just so you know, this baby is moving around like crazy." My reaction as happy and relieved tears sprang to my eyes was, "there's still a baby?!" I watched the most beautiful scene before me. A perfect little fetus, with arms and legs flailing all around. The baby was perfectly healthy. The ultrasound machine also revealed that I had a large subchorionic hemorrhage that was the causing all the bleeding. I couldn't believe I was still pregnant.
I quickly texted Craig, who was on a 17 hour flight returning home two days early from India, the news. I told him that I learned I had hemorrhaged but that we still had "a wiggly little baby." When he finally got off the plane during his layover in Dubai, he said tears just started flowing down his cheeks in the middle of the terminal when he read that phrase in my text. We were overjoyed to know that we were still going to get a baby!
After those stressful months, I can say now that I am so grateful for all the things that I learned. I learned how to humble myself and accept help from others when I need it. I learned that at some point, we all need to be on the receiving end of service. I learned how much my family, friends, and neighbors love me. I learned that they are really there for me when I need them. I learned how comforting and prophetic a simple little dream can be in times of adversity. I learned again, to appreciate the miracle of life. I learned anew the privilege it is to bear children. I feel so blessed to be a vessel in bringing forth life. I have known sorrows, but I also know indescribable joy.
Oh little Stark #5! How excited we are to meet you! Your story is already an exciting one! I can't wait to see it unfold!
